Skip to content

Here I am…

FB_IMG_1554820187678

I long to walk this path

To one of my favorite places

To smell the earth and lake

To find my secret spaces

The waves, they lap

I hunt for rocks of old

As the waves retreat

Before they disappear in the waters fold

An old dock, abandoned beach

Uncleared paths, filled with debris

From storms of the past

And over flowing seas

 

I hope to get there soon

Maybe before the next moon

 

Advertisements

Learning from Asa

20190408_130809

I learn a lot from my dog, Asa. He teaches me to get up, keep going, and to find the joy in the little things.

Today is 70° here in Madison. It is absolutely beautiful out. He was barking to be let in. I opened the patio door and he gave a gentle tug on my capris, as if to say “Come out Mama. Come out with me.” So I did. I hobbled out with my cane, and sat in one of our lawn chairs and soaked up some vitamin D. Asa was rolling around happily, rubbing the earth on his coat. He put his nose up in the air and sniffed and stared at me. He was right, it smelled fresh out there. I encouraged him to bring his ball, and tossed it with him for awhile. My husband came out for a break, as he works from home, and played in the yard with Asa. He went back in and Asa lay by my chair panting, and smiling at me. He checked his water bowl and looked at me. I realized we were both thirsty. I went in the house, slammed some water and filled his bowl. We went back to sitting in the sun and relaxed.

He asked to come back in, so we settled down for a rest. My whole being is feeling the joy from the fresh air, the sun, and the love of caring for myself on a spiritual level. Letting myself be in the moment, outdoors, in the wonderment of the breaking of spring, was fantastic for me. It was Asa’s idea. It comes down to basics, really. Joy is simple really. For Asa it was rolling around the yard, playing catch, sniffing the air, and being with his people. It was much the same for me. With the exception of rolling around in the yard. Asa knew what I needed, before I did. I am glad I took his lead!

Asa is always a smart boy. Today he connected with me on a deeper level. He knew I was on the verge of humdrum city, and he bypassed it for me. Now, we snuggle.

Spring Brings Happiness

20190406_203704I have been sitting outside most of the day. My husband and ex-husband put up a temporary fence for my beloved dog Asa, and put up our patio canopy. So beautiful out! Last time I sat outside was, before my surgery, in September. I feel so good today!

The vitamin D, my physical therapy and yoga, my family, are all feeding my happiness. As I get ready to hit the mat, I am so encouraged by the good feelings, that I WANT to participate in this day. I also want to encourage others who deal with limitations and pain, to soak up the GOOD days. I feel the good can sustain us through the bad.

Sitting here, watching the sunset next to our first bonfire, I feel like a whole person. I haven’t felt quite so carefree in ages. I need to feed my soul. Enjoy the life that is happening right in front of me. Not wishing for a life I don’t have. Not waiting for more money, nicer weather, or for my paralysis to go away. Beauty, love, laughter, friendship, and family are happening right in front of me.

I can’t save this moment…but I can savor it. I am so grateful. My heart is full!

 

My Purpose

If you have a pulse, you have a purpose ~ Kathy Lee Gifford

It can be hard to get out of bed. Like I could sleep my whole day away. I yanked myself out of bed, because the more I am an “active” part of my life, the better I feel. I find some clothes, get dressed, brush my teeth, comb my hair, get my leg brace on and downstairs I go. Only 20 minutes past my husband. Who, has been running the household for the most part. Coffee, family, dog snuggles, dishes, pork chops in the slow cooker, bill paying. It is good to participate in my life. Maybe that is my purpose now…to get better and be an active member of my own life. The effort to do things may feel like alot…but when I accomplish things, I feel fantastic.

If I can inspire one person, help my family in anyway, listen to a friend, take care of our rambunctious Red Heeler, it is a purpose for my being here. I may not be doing what I used to do, working the hours I used to work, or able to take care of errands and the house like I used to, however my contribution in this life, with this family, is recognized. It counts.

I am hitting the yoga mat, and working to better myself. These things may seem small to some. To me they matter.

Limp foot and all.

Things that make you go hmmmm..

 

Today is a better day.

Did you know a small nerve will grow 1mm a day, while a larger one will grow 5mm? I did some math and it made me accept that after almost 7 months, that maybe this really is the new me. I have also been told that people have recovered from drop foot after, as many as 3 years. Whats more, the neurosurgeon said they would not make any decision on my recovery for another year. So, in other words, I get to live in limbo.

I would love to go through acceptance, except than I am told to “not be hopeless”. I don’t think accepting that my foot is as good as it is going to get, is as hopeless a feeling, as waiting for it to move. Also, I feel emotionally more healthy handling the lack of movement and accepting it. I can’t stay in a place of wishful thinking. I have to remain focused on being the strongest I can be, in this moment.

Then there is the pain. It can be awful. I have been told I am “a tough cookie”. I have a decent threshold to pain. This pain is different. It is like barbed wire, intermittently being dragged heavily over my skin. Sometimes it is only like needles and then it is harsh and makes me suck in my breath. It is something, let me tell you. I really work hard to not think about it and keep my mind busy. Sometimes I cannot hold a conversation, as I am to involved in trying to overcome my pain.

Today I am doing pretty good. I worked my half day, and now I am home, writing and prepping myself to do my PT/yoga. Everything that is going to help me, does kind of hurt. However, it makes me more steady and strong.

I continue to search for what I am supposed to learn from this experience.

Today, I am good

20190402_125709April 2nd, 2019

I woke up today so happy. I had this drive and ambition to keep moving. This isn’t my new normal. Ever since September 12th, 2018, my new normal is unpredictable. It can be painful, unproductive and I can’t really plan anything or rely that a good day is my new normal. I had a full hysterectomy on September 12th, to get rid of really large and suspicious cysts. The surgery was a tough one for my surgeon. He had to untangle the growth from other parts of me. In doing so, he nicked my artery, and then sutured over my sciatic nerve. I woke up with no movement in my left calf and foot and nerve pain in my thigh and hip. I had to go back into surgery and have the suture removed. No more hip pain, but still no feeling in my calf and foot. I was informed that I had “drop foot” and that it would recover. Well it is now March. I walk with a cane and a leg brace and can only work 2 half days a week. I have improved a lot, but it is slow. I also have been told that while it can take up to two years to heal, the chance is really great that this is as good as it gets.

Today I am okay with that! I got up, showered, did my pt exercises and my yin yoga (pt approved). I cleaned up the dishes and look forward to my PT appointment today. I know I am doing well, and my PT is so encouraging. I struggle with low stamina, and then depression. I wont let myself stay down too long. I can’t, it serves no purpose. I just need to keep moving forward, at whatever pace that is….its forward, regardless.

Yesterday was a bad day. I am glad it is today, and that today is a good day!